


Just Like Home

by gethbecomesher



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-10-25 15:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10767303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gethbecomesher/pseuds/gethbecomesher
Summary: Ryder becomes overwhelmed with all the shit that gets heaped on her. Doubt, confusion and homesickness all seem to strike at once. Jaal helps her through it.A series in 3 parts. Including an alternate version of Jaal bringing Ryder to meet his true mother.





	Just Like Home

Sara Ryder stared at the ceiling of her cabin on board the Tempest. Parts of her hard suit lay discarded on the floor, making a trail to where she lay sprawled across her bed. Her feet hung over the mattress. She hadn’t managed to remove her boots before falling exhausted backward into the soft comforter. She willed the muscles in her neck and shoulders to relax. The irony of “trying to relax” was not lost on her. _Sara, there is a call coming in from Director Tann._ SAM’s voice was quiet in her mind, but insistent.

“Nah, come on!” Sara groaned. “I’m not here.” She pulled the blanket over her head and shut her eyes tight. She winced as she rolled over in bed. Everything hurt.

_Director Tann says he will call back in one hour,_ said SAM, moments later. Sara grunted acknowledgment. Can’t that salarian take a hint? She should know by now that he couldn’t, or wouldn’t.

_If you like, I could block your pain receptors temporarily, Sara._ SAM was trying to be helpful. If she were in the field, she would take him up on that. She often did. If this were any other day. If she hadn’t agreed to let the AI in her brain kill her in order to escape an alien trap that would also probably have killed her. It was becoming increasingly clear to her that situations like that were her new normal. She just wanted to be in control of her own body at the moment.

“I’ll call Lexi if I need to, SAM. I’ll be okay,” she said. She felt the AI fade into the background of her consciousness. Not gone, just not active. Stand by mode, but in her brain. Knowing that SAM knew exactly what she was thinking as she was thinking it made her feel bad about her own conflicting emotions. The worst part was that she knew that SAM understood, but she couldn’t help regretting her own personal thoughts. Nothing about this was normal.

SAM was a miracle, this she knew and did not dispute. He was the most sophisticated AI known to humanity. Hell, he was the most sophisticated AI known to the Milky Way. He was created with love by her mother and father, which made him basically the third Ryder sibling. He was an asset, a literal life saver, a friend, and the last connection she had to her parents. A crucial component to the mission that 100,000 souls from the Milky Way had bet their lives on. He was also the cause of all her problems.

_Don’t be so dramatic, Sara_. She could practically hear her mother’s voice in her ears. Easy for Mom to say. She didn’t have to put up with any of this. It was, after all, her father’s AI research that had ostracized their family and turned the Ryder name into shit. That’s when it all went wrong. That’s why she was forced out of her promising research career, why her brother had no hope of advancement in the Alliance. Why they saw the Andromeda Initiative, the pet project of their distant and uninterested father as their best and brightest hope. It wasn’t SAM she was upset with, Sara knew.

Golden worlds, indeed. More like evil death planets that are just as likely to kill you as the twisted sadistic aliens who had gotten to Helus before the Initiative. And that’s not even mentioning the pissed off Roekaar and the unbalanced Nexus exiles and the murder robots and the invisible alien dogs that pop up out of absolutely nowhere all the time. Her job was to wrangle all of this? To make it livable? For people? Prodromos was doing okay, barely. Sara still felt like she had to keep one eye on it to keep it from collapsing like some kind of failed outpost souffle. She could try as hard as was possible for her to try, to do as much as was available and yet still someone somewhere would be let down by her actions somehow.

Sometimes she wondered. If she knew then what she knew now, would she have joined? No, that was pointless. Even at her most dramatic, Sara knew thinking like that wasn’t helpful. What if the sun didn’t rise because she stopped washing her hair? Thoughts like that will drive you crazy. She was just in a slump. It was just a bad day. She would get over it and shake the “no way out” feeling that had been settling on her shoulders like a lead blanket. She would have to. _Tomorrow is another day. Make the best of it, Sara._

“I know, Mom,” Sara whispered. She dried her suddenly hot, wet face with the corner of her comforter before dozing off.

 

*****

 

“It means we can beat them, is what that means,” said Vetra, between shoving handfuls of Blast-Ohs into her mouth. She hastily brushed some crumbs off her chest before passing the box over to Liam, who politely declined.

“It’s something, true. I wish I could have been there,” said Liam.

“I -,” Vetra sighed, “I don’t know. It was rough. Satisfying, but rough. Hitting the Archon like that was good, but I wouldn’t wish seeing those salarians like that on anyone.”

“Yeah, and that krogan,” said Liam.

“Don’t remind me,” called Drack from below. He made his way slowly up the ramp to the conference room to plop unceremoniously on the bench next to Vetra. She passed him her box of cereal and he began to dig in. “Anyone seen the kid this morning?” Liam and Vetra both shook their heads.

 “She’s still sleeping,” said Lexi, appearing behind Drack. The old krogan twitched in surprise, then coughed, hoping that would disguise his startled reaction. It didn’t work.

“I’m gonna get you a bell to wear,” he grumbled, ignoring the amused looks on his comrades’ faces.

“I thought krogan had super hearing,” said Liam.

“We do. Mine was super five hundred years ago. Now it’s just above average,” said Drack.

“You think we should be worried? About Sara, I mean,” said Liam. Drack shrugged his massive shoulders.

“I think Ryder would benefit from talking through her trauma regarding what happened during the last mission,” said Lexi.

“Yeah, when she’s ready. We shouldn’t smother her. She needs some time,” said Vetra.

“Who said anything about smothering?” said Lexi. Vetra raised a bony eyebrow at the doctor.

“How many times have you checked to see if she’s awake this morning, Doc?”

“I -,” Lexi started. Vetra crossed her arms and waited for her to continue. “I am her doctor and she is my patient. I am concerned about what I’ve heard and I would like very much to find out more about SAM’s actions.”

“Ah, there it is,” said Vetra. “This is about SAM, isn’t it?”

 

****

 

Jaal emerged from the door below the conference room, pausing in the doorway when he heard the discussion above him. He looked longingly at the door to his room, just across the way. Though he wasn’t yet that skilled at predicting Milky Way species’ behavior, he knew with certainty that if the group in the room above him saw him, he would get roped into the conversation about the Pathfinder and her AI.

He understood their worry all too well, and he shared it. He had been there with Vetra and Sara aboard the Archon’s ship. He watched her one-sided conversation with SAM. She took the news that SAM would have to stop her heart to get them out of that kett trap way better than he had. That moment; her grim determination, the sound of her breath leaving her lungs, her body crumpling to the floor. Then, finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Sara returning to consciousness with a gasp that was still fresh in his ears. It made him appreciate what he had put her through when he stared down the barrel of Akksul’s gun. It also made him realize that he needed to spend some time with his thoughts, to sort out what it was he was feeling. No, that wasn’t strictly true, not if he were being honest with himself. He knew what he was feeling, just not what he intended to do about it.

The conversation in the room above him seemed to have lumbered to a halt, and it did not sound like his friends reached any kind of consensus. He agreed that someone should reach out to Sara. He did not know if he would be able to approach her objectively. He was still cooling off himself, after all. Anything having to do with the kett had the tendency to set him on a razor’s edge. Still, something about her manor when they returned from their mission didn’t feel right to Jaal. He had intended to speak with her when they returned to the Tempest, but she had closed herself off and retreated directly to her quarters and remained there for the rest of the night. That wasn’t like Sara.

Jaal finally stepped out of the doorway into the common area below the conference room. He had made his decision.

“I’ll go,” said Jaal, projecting his voice to the loft above.

“Jaal?” called Lexi, moving to the balcony. Jaal nodded up at her once her face came into view.

“I will go talk to the Pathfinder,” he said. The air of tension and frustration faded from Lexi’s stance, she was relieved.

“Thank you, Jaal,” she said simply. He hesitated a moment, questions and concerns bubbling at the tip of his tongue. He choked them back, opting for another brief nod at the doctor before heading down the ladder toward Sara’s quarters.

 

******

 

_She was suspended in midair, staring down the archon. His expression was as alien as the rest of him, but Sara knew smug when she saw it. Rage mingled with hysterical fear boiled in her gut, but she’d die before she’d admit either of those emotions to that bastard. He held a thick metal and polymer syringe in his fist. She only glimpsed it before he roughly shoved it into her neck, her spine. Behind her, she registered Vetra’s strangled shout mingled with Jaal’s feral howl. It sounded like she was hearing it from within a biotic singularity, all wobbly. The searing pain of the puncture tore her mind from wandering._

_“Your testing begins now,” said the Archon. Testing? What information had she just handed to this dick bag? Terror began to swell in her chest as she watched her own memories broadcast from somewhere deep in her mind. Private memories; her family, her friends, her life were on full display. She was violated in a way that she couldn’t even fully process. She knew her private moments were being dissected by the kett even now, but how could she know. How could she know unless -_

Sara’s consciousness slammed back into her as she awoke with a gasping wheeze. She felt like she was drowning, like her lungs would never again draw a complete breath. The sheets all around her clung to her damp skin, she had sweat through her tank top and briefs. Untangling herself, she peeled off the sheets and managed to sit up, her head spinning. One deep breath; in through the nose, out through the - no, she needed to fill her lungs.

Adrenaline surged through her veins in quick, shallow heart beats. Sara had visions of her insides dying from a lack of oxygen. Her chest began to cramp. She needed to fill her lungs. Deep sighs turned into compulsive yawning. This wasn’t helping. A wave of nausea hit her suddenly, and she carefully moved to sit on the edge of her bed, white knuckled hands gripping the rumpled comforter around her.

_Don’t barf, don’t barf_ , Sara pleaded with her body. Swallowing the lump in her throat and closing her eyes, she focused on a point across the room, quieting her mind. A little potted plant soaking up the artificial light from a sun lamp. It was a gift from Cora. She softened her gaze, consciously relaxing her tense muscles one by one, starting with her fingers. By the time she had worked her tension easing meditation up to her neck, she heard a soft knock on her cabin door. Her hands clenched. _Shit_ , she chastised herself.

“Ryder?” came Jaal’s voice from behind the door. It was soft, not meant to wake her if she had been sleeping. Sara moved to get up, and was surprised by an equilibrium that was still recovering.

“Yeah,” she rasped, then cleared her throat. “Yeah, coming.” She steadied herself, then slowly pulled on a pair of sweatpants and smoothed out her bedding. She unlocked the door to her quarters and it slid open, then closed again after Jaal entered. He stood looking at her, his face unreadable as always. “Did something happen?” asked Sara.

“What? No,” said Jaal. “I simply wanted to see how you are feeling.”

“Oh,” said Sara. She grabbed a water bottle from her nightstand and took a gulp. “I’m fine. I’m good.”

“Oh,” said Jaal. Something about him seemed less confident than usual. He was usually so direct, so open, but it seemed clear to Sara that there was something he wasn’t saying. He fidgeted, looking around her room. He removed his gloves and tucked them into his belt. He bent to examine the hamster she had found eating through Vetra’s cereal stores.

“I haven’t thought of a name for him yet,” she offered. Jaal timidly poked a finger into the hamster’s enclosure and then quickly withdrew it when the creature began sniffing.

“He is small, hairy, and too curious for his own good,” said Jaal. Sara nodded, taking a seat on the edge of her bed. “You should call him Liam.”

Sara chuckled weakly in the middle of a sip of water. She saw Jaal’s cheerful expression fade as his playful jab didn’t get the reaction he had hoped for. She regretted not being able to belly laugh, but her insides were rolling again and all she wanted to do was lie back down.

“I’m sorry, Jaal,” she explained. “That was really funny. No, it was. I’m just - still tired.” She hunched over, head in her hands. Parts of her nightmare flashed in her mind. Jaal was there, on the archon’s ship. He would understand, if only she could find the words to explain. She saw his feet move toward her, felt as he sat next to her on the bed. He seemed to hesitate for a moment before he put his hand on her shoulder and began gently rubbing his hand across her back in big, calming circles.

“Sara, are you sure that you are okay?” he asked.

He sounded so concerned. Was he worried? She wanted to unload everything on him, but knew that wouldn’t be fair. If he was already worried, she didn’t want to make him more worried. She didn’t want to ruin whatever image of her Jaal had. No, that wasn’t it. She didn’t want to show him the mess she really was. She liked the way Jaal treated her, the way he looked at her. She liked it in a way that made her a little nervous, if she were honest with herself. If Scott were there, she’d lay all her problems at his feet, like they always did. If Scott were there -

_No, no, NO, don’t you dare cry. I swear to god, Sara, don’t do it._ Her pep talk was ineffective. Her eyes and nose started to sting, and she swallowed hard, hoping to push back the tears. She felt Jaal’s hand pause on her back. _Oh no, not now. You’re fine, just breathe._ She sucked air into her lungs in a strangled choke that immediately turned into a sob.

“Hey,” said Jaal, softly. He combed his fingers through her hair, his hand coming to rest on the nape of her neck. His hand was cool against her flushed skin. It was contact that she needed. Sara couldn’t hold it in anymore. She hoped that her face was hidden as she began to sob silently in earnest. “Come here,” whispered Jaal, pulling her to his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, rocking her slightly as he hummed a deep, low song that resonated in his chest.

Sara had never been the touchy feely type, but as Jaal held her, she realized that she felt grounded again. She felt safe. She could breathe. He wouldn’t make fun of her for her moment of weakness, and he wasn’t made uncomfortable by her emotions. She needed to cry, and it felt good. Jaal was solid and steady. She inhaled his subtle, earthy scent. On some level she knew she also needed to feel that closeness, that level of vulnerability and trust. With all the insane shit her team dealt with on a daily basis, she needed to be able to decompress fully with someone, nothing held back. Jaal was here, she realized he had come for this. He had known somehow. Shit, he probably needed to vent too.

She peeked her face out of the tangle of clothing and hair. “How are _you_ feeling?” asked Sara, between sobs. Jaal laughed, which shook her whole body. She realized how she must look and laughed, burying her face again in his chest.

“No, come back,” he said. He took her face in his hands, gently wiping away tears and hair. His eyes were kind, and also a little wet, she noticed.

“You first, then I’ll talk,” said Jaal.


End file.
